Not everything is always perfect! What is perfect?
More to the point what is perfect for you will probably not be perfect for anyone else.
I’ve been helping a friend with their aged loved one and it has been very interesting for me to witness the different family dynamics. And to see how their experience is different to what we went through with our father.
There are similarities too however there are differences
What I have found is that it doesn’t matter what the care provided whether it is in your home, their home or an aged care facility it really is tough and a very emotional time.
Each family dynamic is different and when you have a group of adults working on a situation it can be very challenging. We all know what’s best or we like to think we do. We all have our own lives that we are trying to fit our caring responsibilities around. It isn’t easy.
I’ve seen many different scenarios that on the surface look like they are working however underneath they are a bubbling mess and ready to explode. Explode in a very hurtful and dangerous way.
Sometimes it isn’t as simple as taking a deep breath and counting to ten.
Sometimes you need to get an outside party involved to get the best outcome for everyone.
That outcome may not be what you wanted however the caring journey is all about compromise.
What I have come to realise is that not everyone is ready to compromise – especially our aged loved ones. I’ve often thought that when people reach their 80s something kicks in and they get a little more selfish, a little more stubborn or is it that they have lived a long time and they believe they deserve to live their life the way they want.
Or is it that as a grownup we want things to go our way.
I don’t know what it is however what I do know is that it causes challenges that you will need to face.
I’m going to be really frank here and I do apologise if it offends some of you however I think this really needs to be raised.
Not everyone gets on, not everyone is on the same wavelength and sometimes you can all be right and still be at loggerheads. It might even mean that you are all wrong. Yes it does happen! It happens more and more as compassion fatigue becomes a problem – our aged loved ones are living longer, we are working longer and there are more pressures in our lives.
I see it happening all the time – siblings and aged loved ones having disagreements that end in families falling apart. Please don’t let it get to this stage. Remember what you are trying to achieve.
Sometimes you have enough of compromising, sometimes you don’t want to compromise, sometimes you can’t do it anymore and sometimes you can’t see a solution.
So what do you do when there is no “solution” insight?
Yes there is an obligation to care for your aged loved one – but care can come in many forms. There are lots of options available. There is nothing wrong with trying a few different options until you get it right.
Swallow that pride and ask for outside help, sometimes your aged loved one isn’t telling you everything either. No it isn’t always wonderful on the caring journey but it doesn’t have to be this hard either.
One of the things I do suggest is get a third party to ask what each of you want – ask for honesty and be ready to accept that their thoughts/reality isn’t the same as yours. Remember you all might be right and you all might be wrong.
What your siblings and aged loved ones think and what you think may be totally different.
Don’t be the Angry Ant because anger affects everything and every situation. Don’t let your anger at an unresolved issue affect your life.
Sometimes a situation isn’t resolved the way you want it but having it resolved is important for everyone.
Not Everything is Always Perfect!
Check out “you don’t have to agree to be kind“!